Journal and Editing Update

8/21/96

Diary, today I woke up to rain!  I hope I don't tomorrow! (We're going to Hershey!).  I haven't ran for 2 days and I can't tomorrow or the next day!  At least I'll get exercise from swimming and walking.
   Did you ever think rain comes from something other than precipitation?  Maybe it comes from God.  He might be crying.  I hope he's not sad.  I wonder why he's crying over us and not some other country?  one of the houses in our country must have done something wrong. 
                           Millie
Diary, I went to the open house today.  It sucked.  Actually, it wasn't that bad but it was a waste of time!  Guess what my parents said we're not going tomorrow!  Just kiddin :D!  Gotta go!
         
                          Millie

 

This isn't something I talk about much or tell too many people (especially not religious people).  I'm atheist.  I have been since sometime in high school and I was for longer than I admitted to myself.  Obviously, I wasn't when I was 13.  When I was around that age, I was very religious.  I would pray every time I heard a fire engine or an ambulance.  I prayed for my sister constantly.  I didn't do any bible reading or much church attending, but I believed with my whole heart.  Then, somewhere along the way, I started to think more about everything in a less faithful and more logical way.  I'm not saying that what I believe is undoubtedly true, but I can't see how there truly is a God.  I don't even believe in a higher power.  I'm straight out atheist.  And unless someone reads this blog post or chats about religion with me while I'm drinking or vulnerable, you probably wouldn't know that.  It's something I consider to be personal.  And there's a very good chance that I'll someday edit this post to delete this paragraph, but for right now, I figured I'd fess up.  I censored enough from the journal so far, I don't want to censor how I feel about these 17 year old entries.  I still worry for people and hope for things, but I don't pray.  My worrying and hoping feels the same.

Today, I edited 2 pages.  I finished Chapter 9, which is exciting because I'm in the double digit chapters now :)

So...

Page 47 of 155.

Hope you're having a lovely Saturday.

8/9/96 and Jewelry



8/9/96

Diary, This is what happened today.  I didn't get to run cause it rained!  I still haven't gotten a letter from Kathy!!!  **************  I learned a new card trick, but it screwed up until I did it my way.  And I got all this feelings that my family loves my sister more than me!  I still think its true.

 

Diary do you think I'm dumb to have those feelings?

 

       Gotta go, sorry I didn't write a lot.

 

                                      Millie

 

I'm pretty surprised at how censored I made myself back then when I was feeling emotional.  I had absolutely no problem writing about my ridiculous fantasized crushes, but when it came to being upset that my friends were making fun of me or my family made me feel sad, I just glossed over the info.  And I don't remember being the type to bottle up my feelings like that as a kid.  I'm certainly not that type today...if I'm upset about something, I cry.  I cry a lot.  I'm surprised I was so interested in sounding like someone I wasn't.  What a weird form of therapy this is becoming for me.  It's really making me reevaluate why I am who I am today.


As far as jewelry goes, I listed a new item last week that I was really excited about.  I was excited because it was a mostly original idea (I'll explain more later) and the 'sample' one I made was a gift for a friend who recently got married.  It was sent the Monday before her wedding but unfortunately, it didn't make it to her in time for the ceremony.  I was so sad my gift turned out to be so useless...

The reason I say it was mostly original was because I wanted to make the charm itself...had the design already ready with the date and the Swarovski crystal all added in my mind's eye...but I didn't know what to do with the charm.  So I looked around online and saw suggestions of adding it with a bow to the bouquet for the wedding day, so it's not flashy or obvious, but it's still 'with' the bride.  Then, when she transfers it to a chain after the wedding day, she can always have a reminder of such a great moment in her life.

So, I'm sorry, good friend of mine in PA...I should have used a faster shipping method. 
:'(

She has it now, and says she loves it.  She's one of the people who helped inspire a few different popular items I sell in my shop...like the fingerprint heart charm...the one photographed was the one I made from the prints of her and her boyfriend (now husband :)

I'm glad it did end up getting to her.  And she saw a photo of this charm on her wedding day (through a text I sent), so in her mind, she can remember it from that day, I guess?

Day 5, (still 8/4/96)

The post I put up earlier today was actually one I wrote (for the most part) yesterday.  So here's another for today, which is fitting, because it's sort of a part 2 of the 8/4/96 entry...

8/4/96
Diary, you wouldn't believe what I just did!  first I snuck my dads shaving cream into my room and shaved my legs!  Then, I smeared noxima all over my face! last I brushed my teeth!  Diary, do you think I'm becoming vein?  I hope I don't turn out like David.  He's the most conceited guy I know, he even admits to it!  Diary, I didn't get to sleep yet, but when I do I'm going to stay up for half the night and try to hear the footsteps outside 
someones coming!

I'm back, it was my brother!  I told him I was writing a story!  I hope he believed me!  If he didn't then I can be sure he will look for you! I won't let him find you.  I'll hide you in a great hiding place!  Some-where noone would look!
I'll hide you now!

You were hidden for about 2 hours and I don't think anyone found you.
  To keep you real safe I'm going to lock my door all the time.

Now since I no your safe I'll tell you my darkest secret. (This is where I go and say I have a huge crush on David, but I'm blocking it out because I'm so embarrassed by the fact that I...in the same journal entry... criticized then confessed affection for the same person.)  I have know idea why I like him.  Yes I do, we are very alike in odd ways, he likes to draw, use crafts, school, he has alergies the same time I do, when he gets the hicups they come on, and off just the why mine do!

I hope he likes me!  I kinda think he likes me at least as a friend.  He flirts with me (which just means he's my friend and............................................blocked a lot of this out because I didn't want any identifying information...plus this entire entry is the most embarrassing thing ever..................................
So you and David had fun yesterday with those clay thigs' he said with a slight smirk on his face.

...................................................
have to go freshin up.

Diary, do you think I'm taking this crush too far? 
                                                                   Millie :)

PS
I'm going to hide you somewhere different each time I write in you.

Oh god....that one was rough for so many reasons.  Where the hell did my ability to spell go?  I know it was rough in the past few posts, but it's like I shut my eyes and made it up as I went.  And seriously?  Could this entry get any worse?

That's enough.  I'm so glad I had such thoughtful insights on this morning's post, and now I'm inwardly blushing and wondering what I did with my shame that I'm putting this out there for the world to see.  I don't even know how I really feel about this project...too early to tell I guess.

Break and Day 3 of Journal (8/3/96)

I'm taking a short, rare break from my tasks.  I just needed a breather from the task I'm working on, so I figured I'd use the moment here.  Also, I'm eating lunch and there's no one here to take an official break with.

I still haven't made a new game plan on how I'm going to approach the last edits on my manuscript.  After which I need to write a good synopsis and send out more queries.  I figure this time away from the book is only going to help.  Diving back in with a fresh outlook is usually recommended, so aside from the fact that I don't want to put it off so long that I just never get around to it, I'm not beating myself up over this time not editing.

The jewelry is going well.  I've been busy to the point where I'm making something or polishing and finishing something on a nightly basis.  That's all fine except for the fact that I really want a break from everything once in a while and it has been a few days since I've felt like I've been able to have that.  I get home from work after picking up the kiddo from daycare, then she and I watch a cartoon, play, eat dinner, she goes to bed and I start working on jewelry.  I get done by 9:30 and I'm too tired to read or do anything much for myself. 

On Sunday, I made time for myself (even during Father's Day, haha) to go to the Central Library in Phoenix during the kiddo's nap.  It was GORGEOUS.  Five floors!!

I checked out a bunch of kids' books and two books for myself.  Every time I go to the library I have a mental battle over whether I should get myself a book.  I always break down and check one or two out but I usually never end up reading them or even opening them. 

The first of the two I checked out is Tenth of December by George Saunders.  I had heard a lot about it when it was first released, and since it was available and I knew it was a compilation of short stories, I didn't feel bad about checking it out.  I've already read a couple of the short stories and I'm really enjoying it.  The second is a full novel but it looked like a light read so I'm hoping I can start it in a week or so and actually have it done before they're due back.


Now on to my journal entry from August of 1996...

 

Diary 8/3/96

Forget those first pages!  That was a while ago and now I am not who I was!
  The other day I went for a run and on my way home I was walking up a hill and (I was too tierd to run!) I saw a huming bird!  It was as big as a wasp!  The thing that was so great about it is that I touched it!
  I'm crying now because I think, I don't know how to put this in words so I'll explain.  Never Mind!
  I still HATE Jessica and Sarah!  Their both BITCHES! (excuse my french) I'm trying to make new friends but that's hard to do during the summer!
  I haven't done much during the summer, just stuff with Rose and Jeanette.
  On the 22nd My family and me are going to Hershey park.
  Why is my handwriting so bad?!?!  It gets worse every day!  I guess I'll just have to live with it!
  Sarah would have made a good friend but she hung out with Jessica too much!

                                Oh Well!

                                         Millie


Why do the French get all the blame for bad language?

Day 2 of Journal Posting (date unknown)

I'm gonna preface this one by saying my brother and I fought...a lot...when we were kids.  That was just the type of sibling relationship we had.  We're fine now, but being close in age while going through grade school and high school did not help our relationship.  That being said, I took out a lot of this next entry because it falls into the category of things I didn't filter when I wrote in my journal.

Dear Journal,
   ******************************** stop their random fighting, it's starting to annoy me every time I come home from school ***********************.

************************************

My friends are all still bothering me.  The other day Jessica (the one I dislike the most) told Jeanette and Sarah to wear skirts and not tell me.  I was so furious!  In fact I'm still mad!  What should I do?
   Maybe just make new friends.

                               Millie

So back in my school days us girls coordinated when we'd dress up on a day for school.  I think it had something to do with dependence and being too shy to wear a skirt or dress up without knowing your friends will do the same.  I was pretty obsessed at that time about what other people thought of me or how they perceived me.  Unfortunately, I think that's pretty common for kids that age and it's one of the main reasons why bullying is so rough on them.  I wish we could just teach our kids to truly be independent and not care what others think.  What is it about human nature that makes that so difficult?  Even today I have trouble not caring what people think of me and I'm 30 years old with a child of my own.

Reading 3-Year-Old Blog Posts - First Journal Entry (From 2-17-96)

This is a good way to get yourself in trouble, or make yourself smile.  It's like reading an old journal..which is something that, more often than not, makes me smile.  Apparently though, reading old blog posts is more apt to get me in trouble.  I found the post I wrote back in 2011 about writing my journals and I realized I very quickly abandoned that writing project.  I have over 14 finished journals I have written throughout the years. If you know me, you know I'm not one to feel at all shy about my personal life.  I write mostly everything on Facebook and post pictures constantly.  Sometimes I use this blog as a sort of journal and don't always filter what I should and shouldn't be writing about.  Where I'm going with this is sort of embarrassing.  I checked, and I still have the images of my entire first journal saved in my Dropbox account (I wrote the journal in 1996 and it's one I didn't completely finish).  I'm considering putting the journal in this blog.

Actually...all my journals.  The thing I'm worried about is the fact that I wrote about people I knew and still know...I didn't hide who they were, I didn't sugar coat my feelings toward them, and I certainly didn't filter what about them made me angry or (even more embarrassingly) the opposite (like when I had a crush on someone).  So if I do proceed and type up my journals to this blog, I'm going to have to censor a lot of stuff so I don't get myself in trouble.  I think if I'd be embarrassed by what I wrote, the person I was writing about would also be embarrassed.  There are pretty good chances I'll have to omit whole journal entries for this reason.  In my defense, when you're a regular person growing up and you happen to enjoy writing about your experiences, it's hard not to write about the people in your life.

So here goes:

2/17/96

Dear Journal
   Hi!  I guess I should tell you about me.  I am Millie Komski and I am kind of short for my age (5 ft).  I am 12 but in 2 weeks and one day I will be 13.  I have brown hair (a little longer than shoulder length).  I also have brown eyes.
  Now to get to what I'm supposed to do in a journal, write about my day and write about what I have learned today.  Well lets get to it.  Today I got home from Sarah's house, actually I slept over her house And 2 people other than me were there, Jessica and Jeanette.  When I was there Jessica and Sarah and Jeanette made fun of me.  At first I could take it but after a while I just started gettin sick of it.  I didn't think Sarah would because I actually thought she would never do that cause she always tells me how she don't like gettin made fun of just as well as me.  Well that's all that happened and I guess you ust can't change every person because if I made all my friends stop makin fun of people than there wouldn't be nothin left now would there be!

from Millie
:)
Smile or try

Holy shit.  That was a rough first one.  I was always kind of picked on when I was a kid.  Kids are mean, especially to a girl with frizzy hair, braces, and a nerdy attitude.  I changed the names in here but I kind of wanted to just admit who it was.  Mean girls should know how they affect people.

So I don't plan on putting an entry a day in here (maybe....but I doubt I'll be able to keep up...aside from the emotional tole it'll take, I just won't have time).  At least it'll be a place for my journals to go digital.  One of my greatest fears is a fire or other disaster destroying them all.