Oh my goodness...

It's 3:33 and 3 is my favorite number, so let me just take a second to make a few wishes.

Okay...so nothing too interesting going on the past couple of days.  Yesterday, I took the toddler to the gym so I could do some Yoga and, with 15 minutes left in class, the fire alarm started going off.  Now this is the Palm Valley Lifetime Fitness gym so at 6:45 on a Tuesday night, the place is PACKED.  Even the daycare was overwhelmed with kids, so I asked them to give my daughter a green sticker to sort of keep her in a more supervised area (she's almost 3 and with the high energy and brave attitude, I didn't want her going off and getting herself into trouble).  So, this was basically my first moment of true fear as a parent.  I'm upstairs in this back room doing a nice quiet yoga session with about a dozen other people when suddenly I'm being taken down a set of stairs in a back maintenance area wondering which side of the building I am on and how I'm going to get back in to find my daughter among the crowd of other children.  Eventually, I find the outside play area and run to the door that leads into the gym right outside the doors to the daycare area.  Lines of children are funneling out, hand-in-hand.  About 30 leave the daycare when I finally see mine, first in the line of a dozen other kids, holding hands..she looks like such a brave little leader and I'm filled with relief and pride.  I make sure with the daycare supervisors that it's okay for us to leave...because I'm thinking, if that were my job, I'd be terrified.  How on Earth are they going to keep track of all these kids?  How easy could it be for some asshole creeper to just take a random kid, pretend they're the parent, and lead them to their car?  Hopefully all went well with that fiasco...I have no clue...but I'm very thankful to have found my daughter and gotten her home safely.

So, that's two weeks in a row of only 45 minutes worth of the yoga class.  It's Yin/Restorative, so I love it because it's relaxing and feels like an amazing stretch/massage for the body.  Last week, I thought it started at 6:30 so I got there 15 minutes after its real start time, thinking I was going to be early.  There better not be a fire alarm tomorrow night...I have a pedicure in the gym's spa at 6 o'clock.

I'm just stalling....this journal entry is the MOST EMBARRASSING one to date.  I know it's going to just get more and more difficult to include full journal entries, but this one is rough.  (I'm really enjoying this project though...I hope people out there reading this don't think I'm a complete crazy person for doing this...I know there's about ten of you visiting this page on an almost daily basis...so to those 10 of you, please don't judge me too harshly).

8/6/96

Sorry I didn't write more yesterday.  I was kinda busy, first Rose came over and we went to the Slocum Deli.  I got flying saucers!  Oh yah and green things.  I love (arrow to flying saucers)!  The are my all time favorite candy!!!  I also did something else yesterday.  I went ***** I saw David a little but that was enough to dream about him! ******** He's nice but he's also spoiled rude and vain!  That's enough to turn me away (referring to a friend of David's)

Diary, I heard the footsteps last night!!! I didn't look out my window, I was about to but they disappeared!!! It was around 10:30 11:00!! I'm going to definatly listen tonight

Diary I wish I had P.K. abilities but unfortunately I don't.  Diary, you might find this rediculous but I tried to transport myself to David's room last night!  Of course it didn't work, but I'm glad it didn't.  How would I get out!

Diary I just had the wierdest imagination!  I just imagined ****************************************************** ****************************************************** ******************************************************
And that's all! (thank god) Diary do you think I'm obsessed?

                        Millie

Oh holy jesus.

So just suffice it to say that those stars were the most embarrassing of this entry.  I was 13 years old.  You may think this type of random crazy talk is forgivable at that age but I definitely do not agree.  I was THIRTEEN.  In some cultures, I'd be having kids and being completely mature at that age.  And yes, I'm thankful that I had the privilege and the fortune to have the ability to be a kid at that age...but I would have been more proud of myself if I had used my life for more good.  Tried to learn a good skill (like piano, or put my efforts toward something like science)...but no...I was ridiculously immature and being ridiculous with my time.

Ughhh....okay.....nothing good is coming of me bashing my former self.  This was almost 20 years ago (man, that makes me feel old).

Anyway...I also wanted to add that I still love eating flying saucers.  They're these wafers that are spherical and have a hollow inside with tiny hard candies inside.  Yum!

Weekend and Journal Entry (8/5/96)

This past weekend was pretty great.  Not for any particular reason but because I got everything I wanted to do accomplished and still had enough time for fun and relaxation.  I made jewelry, listened to an entire audiobook (it was only a little over 4 hours long, The Giver, but it was still impressive in my opinion), finished The Storyteller audiobook (one of my favorite books now), did laundry, hung out with the kiddo, took the dog for a walk both Saturday and Sunday, visited a great friend I haven't seen in too long, worked out on Saturday, cleaned my car inside and out, and other little things (like dishes).  Though I was exhausted, I felt really content last night.  There are so many times that I feel like I've wasted days away, and this was not one of those times. 

There was something specific I wanted to write a blog about but I currently have no recollection of what that was.  I just remember thinking "I should write a post about that".  I'm sure it'll come to me eventually.

So on to the journal entry...

8/5/96
Diary, I was pretty mad last night ********(more info about that crush I wrote about in the last entry)

I chickened out yesterday night and just fell asleep!  I guess it's just easier said than done!

I wrote a letter to Mad About You last night, to keep me busy.  I sure hope they write back.  I collect autographs.  So far I have Tim Allen (Best), Jim Carrey, Cathy Ireland & The Cast of Home Improvement (other best).

I have my door open right now, because my brother isn't home, neither are my parents.

I'm supposed to do something with Rose today but shes not home!

Lately I've been thinking of ideas for inventions: A calculator, time, atlas, TV watch!  I wish it was already invented, I would have one!!!

I left a message on Rose's machine so she should (hopefully) call back.

I actually enjoy painting my nails, so I'm going to go and do them now!

                                                   Millie :D

I guess my iPhone would have made my 1996 self pretty darn happy.  I've always loved technology....but I'm glad I wrote about the tree house in this journal because I've also always loved nature and being outdoors. 

I did end up getting that Mad About You cast of autographs.  I think all of them are still in a folder somewhere in my current house (my husband being in the Air Force, I've moved quite a few times since then, so it's saying something that I still have that random childhood collection).

Obviously, I had an issue with being honest to myself about things like wanted to paint my nails.  I didn't want random future people (all of you who might be reading this today, I guess), thinking that my 13-year-old self was so girly and vain. 

My last thought on this one...what I wouldn't give to have time to write a letter to a TV Show requesting an autograph just to pass my time.....jeesh....I was telling my husband earlier that I wish someone would invent a way for human adults to live (with no health side effects) with only about 4 hours of sleep a day.  I'd LOVE to have a few extra hours of awake and alert time a day (and not have to take caffeine pills to accomplish this, or feel like death the next day).

Day 5, (still 8/4/96)

The post I put up earlier today was actually one I wrote (for the most part) yesterday.  So here's another for today, which is fitting, because it's sort of a part 2 of the 8/4/96 entry...

8/4/96
Diary, you wouldn't believe what I just did!  first I snuck my dads shaving cream into my room and shaved my legs!  Then, I smeared noxima all over my face! last I brushed my teeth!  Diary, do you think I'm becoming vein?  I hope I don't turn out like David.  He's the most conceited guy I know, he even admits to it!  Diary, I didn't get to sleep yet, but when I do I'm going to stay up for half the night and try to hear the footsteps outside 
someones coming!

I'm back, it was my brother!  I told him I was writing a story!  I hope he believed me!  If he didn't then I can be sure he will look for you! I won't let him find you.  I'll hide you in a great hiding place!  Some-where noone would look!
I'll hide you now!

You were hidden for about 2 hours and I don't think anyone found you.
  To keep you real safe I'm going to lock my door all the time.

Now since I no your safe I'll tell you my darkest secret. (This is where I go and say I have a huge crush on David, but I'm blocking it out because I'm so embarrassed by the fact that I...in the same journal entry... criticized then confessed affection for the same person.)  I have know idea why I like him.  Yes I do, we are very alike in odd ways, he likes to draw, use crafts, school, he has alergies the same time I do, when he gets the hicups they come on, and off just the why mine do!

I hope he likes me!  I kinda think he likes me at least as a friend.  He flirts with me (which just means he's my friend and............................................blocked a lot of this out because I didn't want any identifying information...plus this entire entry is the most embarrassing thing ever..................................
So you and David had fun yesterday with those clay thigs' he said with a slight smirk on his face.

...................................................
have to go freshin up.

Diary, do you think I'm taking this crush too far? 
                                                                   Millie :)

PS
I'm going to hide you somewhere different each time I write in you.

Oh god....that one was rough for so many reasons.  Where the hell did my ability to spell go?  I know it was rough in the past few posts, but it's like I shut my eyes and made it up as I went.  And seriously?  Could this entry get any worse?

That's enough.  I'm so glad I had such thoughtful insights on this morning's post, and now I'm inwardly blushing and wondering what I did with my shame that I'm putting this out there for the world to see.  I don't even know how I really feel about this project...too early to tell I guess.

Day 4 (8/4/96)



I wish I had more time in a day.  I know it's been said before. I'm sure I've said it before here on this blog.  Time for things like finding other blogs similar to mine, following them, commenting on them, trying to attract more people back here.  Time for making new styles of jewelry.  Time to use the sculpey clay in my silver charms.  Time to edit my book.  Time to spend with my daughter (my favorite person in the whole world).  Time to do the dishes.  Time to go find maternity pants (since I can't find the ones I had from my first pregnancy).  Just more time.  The things I make time for are ones like: spend time with daughter, walk dog on occassional basis (I live in Arizona...it's freakin hot here right now), getting maternity pants (this one really is a necessity), showering, exercising occassionally, writing here, reading for fun.  Things like dishes and editing my book and making new styles of jewelry are the ones that go on the backburner for a day off that will never come (and when it does, I won't have any energy or desire left for those types of things.  Well, maybe the dishes will become a priority eventually). 

 

That's the only rant I have for now...

 

8/4/96

 

 I finally cleaned my room.  Now I promise to keep it clean!  It will probably be clean for a whole 2 weeks!  Me & Kathy (my cousin) vowed to write back and fourth to each other.  Now I'm waiting for Kathy's letter.  Pretty soon I'm going to vacume my room!

 

I started to read more often and now I'm going to build up my confidence and study every night when school starts!

 

On the 22nd I'm going to Hershey Park, diary did I already tell you that?  I just looked back on what I wrote and I did tell you!  Oops! Oh well!

 

Me and Rose have been playing Barbie's! Can you beleive that, I'm 13 years old and playing kid games!

 

The weird part is I enjoyed it!

 

I wish I had something exciting to write about like boys or hiding away somewhere, but boys don't like me (only as friends) and there's no need to hide!

 

I can't wait till me and my dad finish my tree house!  Then I can write in there!

 

I just got my cat off my chameleon's cage!  She always jumps up there and scares the chameleon!  Wanna here something grouse <--how do you spell that?, my chameleon eat like bugs!  And sometimes they crunsh when he eats them!

 

At night the past few weeks I hear all these strange noises!  A long time ago I leaned over on my bed and hit my head on my lamp when I woke up (write after that) I heard a loud gunshot!  The wierdest 2 things are that my lamp was set up on a shelf and would've needed some strong force to knock it over!  The other thing that was weird was that the gun went off at 2:34AM! Who would shoot a gun so late?  Also lateley I've heard footsteps outside!  It might just be because my sister told me she heard them too, but I did hear something and I'm not brave enough to look out the window!

  I'll listen tonight and tell you what I heard tomorrow!

 

                                                                          Millie

                                                                              Komski

 

 

 

Okay, bear with me, but I have a few things I want to say about this one. 

First, a big part of who I am comes in waves like that first paragraph.  I go through phases where I want to make a new me and I just feel differently about the world.  In a very positive way.  I still have moments like this.  Like batches of time where I feel like I'm clear-sighted and ready to do whatever it takes to get me to be who I want to be.  My writing comes from that type of feeling because even when I'm not actively pursuing that goal, I still want it with everything that I am.  In lesser degrees, that feeling trickles to things like making jewelry and keeping my house clean and organized. 

Second, the part where I say I wish I had something exciting to write about is actually something I've thought of a lot since.  When I went to Spain for a semester in 2004 I made friends with a bunch of really amazing girls.  We traveled to Paris one weekend and for some reason I said something about the fact that my journals aren't exciting or worth reading like the Diary of Anne Frank (I can't remember exactly what I said, but it must have been pretty awful).  One of my friends quickly scolded me and put what I had said into perspective. 

I'm currently listening to the audiobook The Storyteller by Jodi Picoult and remembering that conversation with my friend in Paris on an almost daily basis.  The things humans are capable of doing to each other breaks my heart.  That's such an understatement, I can't even find the words to express how I feel about the Holocaust and genocide in general.  So, I'm embarrassed by what I wrote here in this journal, and I'm embarrassed by what I said that day.  I can never fully comprehend how lucky I am that I don't have to fear for my life, ever, and that my child is safe and warm and happy.  I'm pregnant, and I don't have to worry about the life of my unborn child.  It makes me sick thinking about the worry so many thousands of mothers are going through right now.  It makes me sick.

To end on a lighter note...I did end up getting that treehouse finished, the floor at least, and I was able to go up there to write in my journal.  Maybe that's something I'll have in a future entry?

For now, it's kind of messing with me, doing this almost-daily walk down memory lane.  I catch my thoughts trailing off to old memories when I'm driving or doing the dishes...it's unsettling sometimes. 

Break and Day 3 of Journal (8/3/96)

I'm taking a short, rare break from my tasks.  I just needed a breather from the task I'm working on, so I figured I'd use the moment here.  Also, I'm eating lunch and there's no one here to take an official break with.

I still haven't made a new game plan on how I'm going to approach the last edits on my manuscript.  After which I need to write a good synopsis and send out more queries.  I figure this time away from the book is only going to help.  Diving back in with a fresh outlook is usually recommended, so aside from the fact that I don't want to put it off so long that I just never get around to it, I'm not beating myself up over this time not editing.

The jewelry is going well.  I've been busy to the point where I'm making something or polishing and finishing something on a nightly basis.  That's all fine except for the fact that I really want a break from everything once in a while and it has been a few days since I've felt like I've been able to have that.  I get home from work after picking up the kiddo from daycare, then she and I watch a cartoon, play, eat dinner, she goes to bed and I start working on jewelry.  I get done by 9:30 and I'm too tired to read or do anything much for myself. 

On Sunday, I made time for myself (even during Father's Day, haha) to go to the Central Library in Phoenix during the kiddo's nap.  It was GORGEOUS.  Five floors!!

I checked out a bunch of kids' books and two books for myself.  Every time I go to the library I have a mental battle over whether I should get myself a book.  I always break down and check one or two out but I usually never end up reading them or even opening them. 

The first of the two I checked out is Tenth of December by George Saunders.  I had heard a lot about it when it was first released, and since it was available and I knew it was a compilation of short stories, I didn't feel bad about checking it out.  I've already read a couple of the short stories and I'm really enjoying it.  The second is a full novel but it looked like a light read so I'm hoping I can start it in a week or so and actually have it done before they're due back.


Now on to my journal entry from August of 1996...

 

Diary 8/3/96

Forget those first pages!  That was a while ago and now I am not who I was!
  The other day I went for a run and on my way home I was walking up a hill and (I was too tierd to run!) I saw a huming bird!  It was as big as a wasp!  The thing that was so great about it is that I touched it!
  I'm crying now because I think, I don't know how to put this in words so I'll explain.  Never Mind!
  I still HATE Jessica and Sarah!  Their both BITCHES! (excuse my french) I'm trying to make new friends but that's hard to do during the summer!
  I haven't done much during the summer, just stuff with Rose and Jeanette.
  On the 22nd My family and me are going to Hershey park.
  Why is my handwriting so bad?!?!  It gets worse every day!  I guess I'll just have to live with it!
  Sarah would have made a good friend but she hung out with Jessica too much!

                                Oh Well!

                                         Millie


Why do the French get all the blame for bad language?

Day 2 of Journal Posting (date unknown)

I'm gonna preface this one by saying my brother and I fought...a lot...when we were kids.  That was just the type of sibling relationship we had.  We're fine now, but being close in age while going through grade school and high school did not help our relationship.  That being said, I took out a lot of this next entry because it falls into the category of things I didn't filter when I wrote in my journal.

Dear Journal,
   ******************************** stop their random fighting, it's starting to annoy me every time I come home from school ***********************.

************************************

My friends are all still bothering me.  The other day Jessica (the one I dislike the most) told Jeanette and Sarah to wear skirts and not tell me.  I was so furious!  In fact I'm still mad!  What should I do?
   Maybe just make new friends.

                               Millie

So back in my school days us girls coordinated when we'd dress up on a day for school.  I think it had something to do with dependence and being too shy to wear a skirt or dress up without knowing your friends will do the same.  I was pretty obsessed at that time about what other people thought of me or how they perceived me.  Unfortunately, I think that's pretty common for kids that age and it's one of the main reasons why bullying is so rough on them.  I wish we could just teach our kids to truly be independent and not care what others think.  What is it about human nature that makes that so difficult?  Even today I have trouble not caring what people think of me and I'm 30 years old with a child of my own.

Reading 3-Year-Old Blog Posts - First Journal Entry (From 2-17-96)

This is a good way to get yourself in trouble, or make yourself smile.  It's like reading an old journal..which is something that, more often than not, makes me smile.  Apparently though, reading old blog posts is more apt to get me in trouble.  I found the post I wrote back in 2011 about writing my journals and I realized I very quickly abandoned that writing project.  I have over 14 finished journals I have written throughout the years. If you know me, you know I'm not one to feel at all shy about my personal life.  I write mostly everything on Facebook and post pictures constantly.  Sometimes I use this blog as a sort of journal and don't always filter what I should and shouldn't be writing about.  Where I'm going with this is sort of embarrassing.  I checked, and I still have the images of my entire first journal saved in my Dropbox account (I wrote the journal in 1996 and it's one I didn't completely finish).  I'm considering putting the journal in this blog.

Actually...all my journals.  The thing I'm worried about is the fact that I wrote about people I knew and still know...I didn't hide who they were, I didn't sugar coat my feelings toward them, and I certainly didn't filter what about them made me angry or (even more embarrassingly) the opposite (like when I had a crush on someone).  So if I do proceed and type up my journals to this blog, I'm going to have to censor a lot of stuff so I don't get myself in trouble.  I think if I'd be embarrassed by what I wrote, the person I was writing about would also be embarrassed.  There are pretty good chances I'll have to omit whole journal entries for this reason.  In my defense, when you're a regular person growing up and you happen to enjoy writing about your experiences, it's hard not to write about the people in your life.

So here goes:

2/17/96

Dear Journal
   Hi!  I guess I should tell you about me.  I am Millie Komski and I am kind of short for my age (5 ft).  I am 12 but in 2 weeks and one day I will be 13.  I have brown hair (a little longer than shoulder length).  I also have brown eyes.
  Now to get to what I'm supposed to do in a journal, write about my day and write about what I have learned today.  Well lets get to it.  Today I got home from Sarah's house, actually I slept over her house And 2 people other than me were there, Jessica and Jeanette.  When I was there Jessica and Sarah and Jeanette made fun of me.  At first I could take it but after a while I just started gettin sick of it.  I didn't think Sarah would because I actually thought she would never do that cause she always tells me how she don't like gettin made fun of just as well as me.  Well that's all that happened and I guess you ust can't change every person because if I made all my friends stop makin fun of people than there wouldn't be nothin left now would there be!

from Millie
:)
Smile or try

Holy shit.  That was a rough first one.  I was always kind of picked on when I was a kid.  Kids are mean, especially to a girl with frizzy hair, braces, and a nerdy attitude.  I changed the names in here but I kind of wanted to just admit who it was.  Mean girls should know how they affect people.

So I don't plan on putting an entry a day in here (maybe....but I doubt I'll be able to keep up...aside from the emotional tole it'll take, I just won't have time).  At least it'll be a place for my journals to go digital.  One of my greatest fears is a fire or other disaster destroying them all.