Friday, June 21, 2013

Day 4 (8/4/96)

I wish I had more time in a day.  I know it's been said before. I'm sure I've said it before here on this blog.  Time for things like finding other blogs similar to mine, following them, commenting on them, trying to attract more people back here.  Time for making new styles of jewelry.  Time to use the sculpey clay in my silver charms.  Time to edit my book.  Time to spend with my daughter (my favorite person in the whole world).  Time to do the dishes.  Time to go find maternity pants (since I can't find the ones I had from my first pregnancy).  Just more time.  The things I make time for are ones like: spend time with daughter, walk dog on occassional basis (I live in's freakin hot here right now), getting maternity pants (this one really is a necessity), showering, exercising occassionally, writing here, reading for fun.  Things like dishes and editing my book and making new styles of jewelry are the ones that go on the backburner for a day off that will never come (and when it does, I won't have any energy or desire left for those types of things.  Well, maybe the dishes will become a priority eventually). 
That's the only rant I have for now...
 I finally cleaned my room.  Now I promise to keep it clean!  It will probably be clean for a whole 2 weeks!  Me & Kathy (my cousin) vowed to write back and fourth to each other.  Now I'm waiting for Kathy's letter.  Pretty soon I'm going to vacume my room!
I started to read more often and now I'm going to build up my confidence and study every night when school starts!
On the 22nd I'm going to Hershey Park, diary did I already tell you that?  I just looked back on what I wrote and I did tell you!  Oops! Oh well!
Me and Rose have been playing Barbie's! Can you beleive that, I'm 13 years old and playing kid games!
The weird part is I enjoyed it!
I wish I had something exciting to write about like boys or hiding away somewhere, but boys don't like me (only as friends) and there's no need to hide!
I can't wait till me and my dad finish my tree house!  Then I can write in there!
I just got my cat off my chameleon's cage!  She always jumps up there and scares the chameleon!  Wanna here something grouse <--how do you spell that?, my chameleon eat like bugs!  And sometimes they crunsh when he eats them!
At night the past few weeks I hear all these strange noises!  A long time ago I leaned over on my bed and hit my head on my lamp when I woke up (write after that) I heard a loud gunshot!  The wierdest 2 things are that my lamp was set up on a shelf and would've needed some strong force to knock it over!  The other thing that was weird was that the gun went off at 2:34AM! Who would shoot a gun so late?  Also lateley I've heard footsteps outside!  It might just be because my sister told me she heard them too, but I did hear something and I'm not brave enough to look out the window!
  I'll listen tonight and tell you what I heard tomorrow!

Okay, bear with me, but I have a few things I want to say about this one. 

First, a big part of who I am comes in waves like that first paragraph.  I go through phases where I want to make a new me and I just feel differently about the world.  In a very positive way.  I still have moments like this.  Like batches of time where I feel like I'm clear-sighted and ready to do whatever it takes to get me to be who I want to be.  My writing comes from that type of feeling because even when I'm not actively pursuing that goal, I still want it with everything that I am.  In lesser degrees, that feeling trickles to things like making jewelry and keeping my house clean and organized. 

Second, the part where I say I wish I had something exciting to write about is actually something I've thought of a lot since.  When I went to Spain for a semester in 2004 I made friends with a bunch of really amazing girls.  We traveled to Paris one weekend and for some reason I said something about the fact that my journals aren't exciting or worth reading like the Diary of Anne Frank (I can't remember exactly what I said, but it must have been pretty awful).  One of my friends quickly scolded me and put what I had said into perspective. 

I'm currently listening to the audiobook The Storyteller by Jodi Picoult and remembering that conversation with my friend in Paris on an almost daily basis.  The things humans are capable of doing to each other breaks my heart.  That's such an understatement, I can't even find the words to express how I feel about the Holocaust and genocide in general.  So, I'm embarrassed by what I wrote here in this journal, and I'm embarrassed by what I said that day.  I can never fully comprehend how lucky I am that I don't have to fear for my life, ever, and that my child is safe and warm and happy.  I'm pregnant, and I don't have to worry about the life of my unborn child.  It makes me sick thinking about the worry so many thousands of mothers are going through right now.  It makes me sick.

To end on a lighter note...I did end up getting that treehouse finished, the floor at least, and I was able to go up there to write in my journal.  Maybe that's something I'll have in a future entry?

For now, it's kind of messing with me, doing this almost-daily walk down memory lane.  I catch my thoughts trailing off to old memories when I'm driving or doing the's unsettling sometimes. 

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